


3:58 am

by Cheriimoya



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Body Image, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide, body decay, sensory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheriimoya/pseuds/Cheriimoya
Summary: George has extreme anxiety and has never had friends before.Dream and Sap try their best to befriend him and try and get him help before it becomes too late for George.(TW: Self-Harm, Minor Violence, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide)
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 249





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

My body was cold and I vividly remember hearing the rain meticulously thudding at my window, whining to etch its way into the dull walls that surrounded me. 

I couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was or even which way was right or which was left. All I could do was stare at the empty screen that stared back. It absorbed every ounce of my being. It always had total control of me but this way it was different. Usually the control that I lost was given back to me in a form of happiness. 

By all means I was never content with the way I was attaining this happiness but I couldn’t bear without it. If I had only known what it was at that moment in time. The way my hands shook and how I was struggling for air. My body was swaying from the heavy static that it bore and only my fingertips were to not feel the wrath of the vents above me. 

That wasn’t true happiness. It was only a facade of an addiction wrapping around me and coaxing me into playing with it. 

They say that the moment that you inject a needle into your arm, swallow the pills, and/or inhale the fumes of an addiction is the moment that you are hooked into the festering lifestyle. 

I could say the same for you, Dream. 

The first time I could hear your smile through your voice was when I knew. 

I knew that I had finally found my new addiction. 

Finally, something that I truly wanted to be here for. Not just something I held loosely onto in order to will myself to be here. Something that I wanted to grip onto so tightly my hands whitened and my fingers twisted upon themselves holding onto dear life for you. 

I didn’t know how much I had flooded myself. 

How much I had damaged myself by latching onto you until you peeled my fingers off of your sides and instead held them in your hands. Seeing my hands bruised and brittle from months of strain.  
My hands weren’t what were the most damaged though. Your sides were riddled with inks of blacks and blues. The sunset of dark purples and pinks were slithering along you like vermins. 

Vile found itself in my mouth but never left the cavity. I was disgusted with myself as I stared at you. I couldn’t believe what I thought of it. 

Lovely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> Minor Violence
> 
> Descriptions of Body Hatred and Self Esteem Issues
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

Chilled tremors startled me awake. 

_ “What did I ever do in my past lives to deserve this?”  _ I thought to myself as I willed myself to check my phone. 

4:32 am. 

My eyes instantly flinch at the bright light that emitted from my phone. I let my hands give out and my phone drops back down onto my bed. 

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. The speckled dots of ceiling stare back at me, being only illuminated through stripes of moonlight that peak through the blinds. 

Only now entering the conscious realm of reality I could already feel the intrusive thoughts worming their way into my thoughts. I really wish I could just roll back into my sleeping position and force myself back to sleep. 

I roll over onto my tummy and decide to scroll through the countless spam mentions that I received throughout my social media. 

6:02 am. 

I blinked. 

What? 

My head felt fuzzy from reading the time. When had time passed this far? 

With my heavy hands I propped myself up and tilted my legs over the edge of my bed. My knees stung a bit at the impact of my jumping off of my bed but I ignored it to go and do my daily morning routine. 

As I turned the faucet to the shower my phone started violently humming in my pocket. Slightly frightened I pulled it out of my pocket and saw my alarm to wake up was causing the disturbance. Sighing I turned it off and placed it onto the chilled counter. 

Exiting the shower was a painful experience. I forgot to bring in a towel and the stark contrast between the warm water and the cold air pricked me like needles. I tried to hurry past the mirror but I couldn’t help myself. 

I made eye contact with myself and almost couldn’t bear the sight of my own face. Nausea and fear filled me as I ran out of the bathroom and to the linen closet. I wrapped myself with a towel and made my way to the kitchen. I rummaged through the cabinet under my sink until I found the trash bags. I slid the junk drawer open and crudely grabbed the clear duct tape from it and shut it with my hip. 

Once I reached the bathroom I ripped the black bag open so that it was one stretch of material. Climbing onto the counter I held the tape in my mouth and strung up the bag so that it was covering the mirror. Once I had taped the top two corners to the mirror I repeated the process on the bottom two corners. 

I backed up from the mirror and felt at ease as my reflection was now hidden. 

After I finished getting ready I put on my work uniform which seemed to grow with each wear. I grabbed a dark-toned hoodie and solemnly walked towards my front door. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. I took a second to gather myself before opening it and making my commute to my job. 

Walk. 

Bus. 

More walking. 

More bus. 

I arrived at my job, the thrift store. It was the most manageable job that I could muster up and also the easiest to commute to from the fact that I couldn’t afford a car. Sitting at a stool and watching the clock wasn’t the hardest part of the job. It was when groups of friends would come in. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t unglue my eyes from them. I was so envious. So hurt by the fact that other people weren’t as impotent as I was. I just wanted the thoughts that I had to shrivel up and die. 

Them being friends weren’t even the worst part of them coming in. It was everytime they came to the counter to check out. Their bubbly personalities would always dim or vanish and some of them didn’t even try to hide their disdain for me. They’d always bite their lip or huddle together closer. My resting face has always been distasteful for as long as I could remember. From the time I was little I always had teachers or family members telling me that I shouldn’t be looking so sad and angry. I couldn’t help it. 

Today was no different. Friends would come in and stare at me anxiously while I rung their items out. 

_ 12:08 pm. _

It’s been about 5 hours into my shift when another group comes in but something is different about them. Instead of scanning their surroundings and when they met stares with me and quieting down they didn’t even look around at me. They beelined towards the shoe section of the store and immediately began giggling rapidly. 

Something seemed off about them so I slid off of the stool and racked my brain for something to do instead of sitting and watching. 

Clumsy, I walked over to the front of the store and began rearranging the different signs that we had plastered on the windows. 

Before I could even recognize the sound of footsteps behind me the door next to me was flung open and the duo ran out of the store with as many items that they could muster. While the other one flung out the door the one behind them took the time to fling a shoe at me. 

I felt anger as I heard them start giggling as they made their get away. With the anger boiling over I couldn’t help myself and chased after them. The one who flung the shoe at me had a shirt that was starting to slip from the front of their load. They would either have to stop to readjust it or eat shit from tripping over it. They started to slow down, not realizing that I was chasing after them. 

“Cas-” They weren’t able to finish their sentence as I pushed them to the ground. 

I put a foot on their back and looked up to make eye contact with their friend. 

“What the  _ fuck? _ ” The “Cas” person screamed as they dropped their stolen merchandise and gilded their way over to me. 

I stared at them with confusion since I am the one who should be asking that question, not the thief who was not in disbelief that I chased after them. 

I wasn’t paying enough attention to the person who I had knocked over as suddenly I was knocked down onto my back and hands came into contact with my throat. I started thrashing around and the person on top of me tightened their grip around my throat. 

“Leif-” I could feel the anger in their tone of voice rising with each word, “get the fuck off of him what are you doing?” 

“He knocked me over he fucking deserves this much at least.” Leif started to make a motion but was cut off by someone yelling and running towards us. 

“Hey! What the hell are you guys doing? Get away from him!” An unknown figure made its way over to us and grabbed Leif off of me. 

The other thief grabbed Leif’s wrist and dragged them to their feet. The duo didn’t even bother to pick up what they had stolen and ran away without another word. 

I felt myself start to shake out of anger and shock with what had happened. I brought my hands to my neck and started to assess the damage before I even noticed that the figure who had saved me from further damage was talking to me. 

“-ed help?” They uttered. 

In my confusion I stared at them, “What?” 

Their green eyes softened and they repeated themselves, “Do you need help?” 

The offer for help snapped me back into consciousness and I rapidly pushed myself to stand up and back away from their stare. They jumped a little at my sudden movement and backed up themselves. 

There was a pause of silence but before either of us could say anything else another person came bounding in from the distance. 

“Dream!” The person shouted as they closed in on us. 

Dream looked over at them and the person stopped in their tracks and we formed a small triangle from the angles we were standing away from each other. 

“What happened here?” The warm voice questioned Dream and their eyes glazed over at me. 

Their eyes were different from the previous people to look over at me. This time pity and judgement were nowhere to be found in their eyes. They seemed genuinely concerned for my well being and the rite of pretentious thoughts riddling were not there. 

My heart skipped a beat from making eye contact with their brown eyes. 

“Sap,” Dream shifted their attention away from me, “I’m sorry to leave you like but-”

Dream started to ramble on about his reasons for leaving his friend. While they were conversing I started to collect the clothes that were dropped without them noticing I was even there. I felt a sense of relief and dread at the same time. 

I was relieved that I didn’t have to freak them out any more than I already did but at the same time the small hopes that I had of being more than just small talk for a group of friends was shattered. I don’t know why I had gotten my hopes up in the first place. 

Picking up a couple of shirts and shoes I made my way to the pile made from the person who tried to strangle me. I was only able to pick up a couple of items before my strength gave out and a couple of items fell out of my grasp. The shirts fell silently but a shoe hit the ground with a loud  _ clunk _ . 

The auditory cue must have alerted the two men conversing beside me as the background conversation that they had stopped. I looked over to see both of them staring at me. I felt my eyes widen a bit. 

“Uh I’m sorry-” As I was going to finish my sentence I was quickly cut off by the shorter of the two. 

“You have no reason to be sorry! We’re the ones who should be sorry in the first place,” The Sap person started making movements towards me and shot the other one a dirty glare before finishing their sentence, “let us help you.” 

The sentence was framed as a question but wasn’t asked as one and before I could object, warm hands took some items from my arms and picked up the items that I had dropped. 

“Dream take these.” Sap aggressively, but somehow gently, shoved the clothing items into Dreams arms. 

“Really it’s okay I can carry them myself.” I made a motion to take the clothes from Dream’s arms but he reacted and backed up a bit away so that I couldn’t reach. 

“No, really please let us help.” Dream spoke as he fluttered with his movements away from the edge of the sidewalk. 

Sap picked up the rest of the items that were on the floor and looked at me expectively. 

I stared at him puzzled for a moment before I realized that he wanted me to lead them back to the store. I spun around on my heels and started to walk at a quick pace back to the store. 

“So, what is your name?” Dream’s voice floated up behind me till he was walking besides me. 

“George.” I responded. 

I felt my mouth go dry and looked instinctively away from Dream’s face. It has been so long since I conversed with someone that wasn’t taking a food order from me that I didn’t really know how to act. 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Dream smile and nod. 

“So what exactly happened?” Sap mimicked Dream’s movements and sandwiched me in between their bodies. 

Dream started to explain the part of what he saw from the predicament and as we stopped in front of the store I opened it for both of them. 

Interrupting Dream’s explanation I motioned to where they could set the items down at. 

“Thank you.” I flashed a weak smile at them and started to bin their clothing for checkup tomorrow. 

I had enough work for today and decided that I was going home early. 

Dream and Sap nodded and Sap started to speak, “Are you alright?” 

I looked up at Sap and noticed that he wasn’t talking to me but to Dream. 

Dream hummed and I built up the courage to talk to them. 

“Do you guys want water or anything?” I asked. I wanted to thank them more but I couldn’t find myself to say anything more than what I was able to utter out. 

They looked at me and both let out their respective yes. 

I kicked the bin with the almost stolen merchandise under the counter and took the lanyard with the keys on them off of my neck and made motions to leave the store. 

They followed my que and I quietly locked the doors behind us. 

“There’s a smoothie place down the street if you guys are up for a walk?” 

Dream smiled happily and Sap agreed with the expedition. While walking with them I learned that I was the eldest between the three of us. Luckily I was the only one who sustained any physical damage between the altercation that happened earlier. My hands were scraped but that was the worst of the damage. 

I had never been that relaxed in a while. My chest wasn’t swirling with hatred and my hands weren’t shaking. Meeting these two had lifted a fog that had been in my mind. Nothing was swirling anymore. It was crystal clear for a short time. 

I bought the younger two the smoothies of their choice and watched them happily drink them while sparking conversation with the other. I felt like a mother watching her two children. 

I felt someone touch my shoulder after a while. I looked over and Sap was staring at me. I must have zoned out while they were talking. 

“George?” He asked quizzically. 

“I’m sorry I must have zoned out.” I apologized and followed it up with a weak smile. 

“That’s alright. I was wondering if you had a discord?” 

I stared at him for a couple seconds digesting the question. I felt my face light up and I responded to his question. 

He handed me his phone and I inputted my discord into it. After handing his phone back to him my phone almost immediately hummed. I took it out and saw that I had been put into a group chat. 

_ Sapnap and Dream _

I could feel my emotions rising inside of me. My hands started to shake and I felt like crying. My first friends. I looked up and saw that they were both staring at me with concern. My cheek was wet and I suddenly realized why they were so concerned. 

I had started crying without even realizing that I was. 

I was truly happy for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my name is Cheriimoya. Please let me know how you enjoying my work so hard and please feel free to give me feedback :)!
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> Anxiety, Self-Harm
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

It has been a couple days since the exchange between Dream, Sap, and I happened. They have invited me to play minecraft with them over the past couple days and every once in a while I would join the games that they would play on various servers. 

I think I have smiled more in the past couple of days than I had smiled in my entire life before then. 

Having friends is one of the things that I had wanted ever since I could remember. I always struggled with getting them because of the anxiety that bubbled in the pit of my stomach everytime I tried to wrack up the courage to strike up a conversation with someone. 

The day I embarrassed myself in front of my entire primary class was the day I stopped trying to make friends with anybody. 

It was mid-day and I was in a discord call with the two boys when Sap suggested that we all went out to lunch together. Dream happily agreed with him and I had no choice but to agree to go. We all agreed on a place and a time. It was about an hour till then and I excused myself to go and clean myself up before leaving my apartment. 

I walked into the bathroom to get ready and I made eye contact with the blackness that was my mirror. The trash bag was still covering it and that's when it hit me. 

I was going to go out with friends. 

I immediately felt nauseous and my thoughts flew as I conjured up as many scenarios as I could of me making myself look stupid. I felt anxiety bubble in my chest and stomach and the sudden loss of breath made me sit on the freezing floor. I tried to ground myself by breathing but that didn’t help. My fingers found themselves on the crook of my elbow and started scratching frantically. I have always had that as a way to calm myself but I hadn’t done it in a while as nothing had provoked it. 

I finally stopped scratching once blood had been drawn and the area was bright red. Panicking I came to my knees and finally turned the handle to the shower. The cold blast started pouring onto the bottom of the bathtub. I stripped myself of my clothes and before I could look at myself I threw myself under the water and gasped at its touch. The wound started burning from the sudden movements that I had made and the pricking of the water made it tingle painfully. 

I made the shower as quick as possible and practically threw myself out of it as soon as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. After I finished drying myself off and brushed my teeth I made my way back to my room. Quickly and quietly I dressed myself in monotone clothing. Black jeans and a gray short sleeve shirt becoming the shield that I hid under. 

I looked at the time and realized I had 15 minutes before I had to go meet up with Dream and Sap. I covered the wound on my arm with a bandage and quickly shoved myself out of the door. 

When I arrived at the meet up place Dream and Sap were already happily chatting with each other while standing outside of the food place. Sap noticed my walking in their direction and immediately greeted me happily. 

“If it isn’t George!” Sap eagerly smiled at me. 

Dream looked over at me and I noticed his eyes lingered on my exposed bandage for a second before smiling and making eye contact with me, “Hi George.” 

“Hello.” I nodded at the two. 

Sap opened the door for the Dream and I. We followed him in and Sap instantly went into conversation about something that he had seen earlier that day. I listened quietly, letting Dream and Sap guide the conversation. They didn’t seem to mind that I barely contributed to the conversation and only hummed to let them know that I was still paying attention. Anxiety started to crawl over me as we sat down at a booth and menus were dropped in front of the three of us. The younger two opened their menus and started discussing the food options. 

The food was Greek and Sap started talking about how he was half Greek and which foods we would like and dislike. My mind was still racing when the waiter came and took our drink and food order and that was when the conversation shifted to me. They started asking about when we met and what really had happened. They said they waited this long to ask because they didn’t know if it was a good idea to push about the topic when it was still fresh in my mind. After explaining what had happened in the store they looked at me sympathetically and offered me their apologies for the situation. 

Our food came and while we were eating the anxious tossing and turning of my stomach caused me to feel like I was going to throw up. I quickly excused myself and booked it to the marked sign of the restrooms. Entering a stall I emptied the contents of my stomach and flushed the toilet. Sighing heavily I sat onto the disgusting floor of the bathroom and resisted the urge to cry. My arm started burning from the quick movements that I had made that caused my wound to be rubbed against. Ripping the bandages off of it I left the stall and started to wash it for the first time. 

While washing it I looked up into the mirror and saw my appearance for the first time in a week. My face was paler than it was the last time I saw myself. I stared at myself with brutal criticism. My wandering thoughts led me to near tears and before I could let the tears fall the bathroom door creaks open. 

I desperately wiped my eyes before the door opened enough to reveal who was opening it. 

“George?” Dream’s voice echoed through the bathroom. 

I felt my lips crack from their dryness as I tried to smile to fool him of my current state. I turned around on my heels to greet him. We made eye contact and the concern that was already in his eyes grew deeper. 

“What’s wrong?” He questioned as his eyes locked onto my exposed wound. 

Out of instinct I covered the wound with my hand but I slapped it too hard and winced before trying again, gentler this time. 

“I just had to use the restroom, I’m sorry for taking so long.” I laughed awkwardly before turning back around to shut the running water off and taking some paper towels to dry my hands off. 

I ripped a piece of one of the towles I used and patted my wound gently. I felt a presence behind me and turned around to be greeted by Dream, who had moved more towards me. 

Without either of us saying anything Dream grabbed my arm and craned his neck a bit to inspect the wound. Too parelyzed by shock I stood still and let him inspect it. He let go of my arm. 

“You need to disinfect it before it gets infected. You should come over to Sap’s house with me so we can clean it and hang out more.” By the looks of Dream’s face it looked as if I would say no it would shatter his feelings 

The hurt and concern in his empathetic eyes signaled to me he knew how those wounds happened and a great feeling of dread took over me. 

“Alright.” I couldn’t bear to look at his face anymore and lowered my eyes to the ground. 

I pushed past him and made my way to the door. I opened it and held it open with my foot signaling him to leave before me. After he left I trailed behind him and we arrived at the table with Sap. He looked at Dream expectantly, expecting him to tell him what had happened in the bathroom, but Dream just shook his head a bit. Sap didn’t push on the subject but stood up before we could sit down. The table had already been cleared and my food was in a box. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t realize I was in there for so long. Here let me-” Before I could take my wallet out I was interrupted. 

“No please I wanted to pay.” Sap stopped me before I could say anything else, “Really I would have fought with you to pay the bill.” 

I decide to not argue with him and nod in defeat. 

“Hey Sap, can we go to your house for a bit? I think it would be fun for all of us to hang out for a bit.” Dream asked while fiddling with his hands a bit. 

Sap’s face lit up in joy and before I knew it we were arriving at Sap’s house. 

The interior matched the brown haired man's personality perfectly. It was a bit hard to not smile lightly looking around at the joyful house. 

I saw the same concern that I saw in Dream’s eyes flicker in Sap’s eyes but before he could say anything Dream dragged me along to the bathroom. Sap followed behind us and we all managed to squeeze into the relatively small bathroom. Before I could object to anything Dream had already reached down into the cabinet below the sink and pulled out a first aid kit that was neatly stored away. 

Pulling a wiping alcohol wipe out of its packet I winced before it was even applied, anticipating the sting. When he did apply it I flinched and tried to move my arm but before I could I was stopped by Dream tenderly taking my elbow into the palm of his hand. After he finished cleaning the wound he motioned for Sap to bandage it. The silence in the room was almost deafening but at the same time comforting. I was thankful that they weren’t questioning me on how it happened but at the same time that could mean that they already knew how it came to be. I shuffled awkwardly as Sap finished bandaging it. 

He smiled at me and stepped back. Dream let go of my arm and we filed out of the bathroom. The tension that was in the air quickly evaporated as Sap suggested that we play some games with each other on his console. 

I smiled and sat down in between them as I was handed a controller. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this chapter. it was a bit shorter then the last one because I felt like where I left off was a good place to and not drag the story around in the mud for a longer chapter.
> 
> Self-Harm is never something that should be an answer to help cope. Please message the Crisis Text hotline listed below for healthy coping skills and to be able to talk to someone who can help you. 
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741   
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> Mentions of Self-Harm, Implications of Hospitals, Induced Vomiting.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

The days started to feel brighter as I grew closer and closer to the two boys. We played minecraft frequently with each other and I learned that they aren’t a place of judgement. 

I am still a bit apprehensive about telling them about myself but I have a comfort of knowing that I can be myself around them. 

Today something new was going to happen and I felt my emotions swirling inside me about it. Dream wanted to come over to my place to hang out for a bit. Sap was going to be away for a bit in a neighbouring town, his family wanted to celebrate something. 

I put some effort into cleaning up the place a bit. I took cans that littered my counter and stuffed them into a trashcan. The shoes that littered the walkway were thrown into a closet. I pondered around my apartment nervously waiting for Dream to knock onto the door. My tension was building rapidly. No one has ever bothered to visit me and I certainly didn’t know how to act when having guests over. 

Before I could ponder anymore on the million things that I could be doing wrong a knock at the door breaks me into reality. Nervously, I shuffle up to the door and swing it open. 

Dream was standing there happily. He smiled real big before he hugged me. I laughed a bit and felt my nervousness increase. I never really hugged many people before Dream and Sap came around. I don’t know how they do it but those two seem to live off of hugs. 

I invite Dream in and we begin to converse about his day and start to talk about things that we should plan to do. 

“Hey where is your bathroom?” Dream asks. 

“It’s over there.” I twist the upper half of my body and point to the door down the hallway from where we were sitting. 

Dream nods and gets up. As I hear the door click shut behind him dread instantly fills my body. 

In my panic before Dream got here I forgot to take the trash bag off of the mirror. I feel my body turn cold and thoughts begin to race in my mind again. What is he going to think of me? Is he going to think I am weird? Hopefully he’ll just ignore that it is there and continue on with our conversation like nothing happened. 

“George.” I shake my head a bit and look up to meet Dream in the eyes. 

“Hi…” My voice cracks a bit and I tilt my head down like a child getting scolded. 

I feel Dream’s presence in front of me and I look up. He looks at me with concern. 

Why did I think that he would just ignore it? After what happened at the restaurant how could someone ignore something like that??

“What’s up with the mirror?” I could hear the worry fill his voice. 

“I don’t,” I stop talking for a second and compose myself, “I don’t really like to look at myself.” 

I look anywhere in the room except for him. My feelings are going rampant as I think of how to dig myself out of this hell. The cushion next to me dips and I feel his arms wrap around my shoulder. He pushes me against his warm body and holds me there. It felt so peaceful yet so chaotic at the same time. 

It feels as if something inside me has exploded. The floodgates have been opened but at the cost of the waves crashing in against everything. Destroying anything and everything that dares to lie in its wake. Before I even realize it I am crying hysterically. I turn my head to force it into Dream’s chest and he hugs me even tighter than before. 

I felt like a toy that had just been broken by a toddler. The toddler holding the dear toy to its chest while it cries out for its mother. The heartbreak of its mind not being able to hold back before it starts screaming out for help. For someone to soothe it as something it dearly loved shattered in front of it. 

We were in silence. No one is talking. Just Dream holding me while I sobbed in front of him. It felt great at the beginning but as it progressed I just felt guilt possess me. Who am I to do this to him? I didn’t want to do this to him. I didn’t want to have him see me like this. It was utterly embarrassing and I felt myself shivering at the thought of him telling Sap at what happened. I pushed myself off of Dream’s chest and for the first time in a while I saw his face. Concern still etched itself into the defining features of his face. 

Before anything could be said between us I quickly shoved myself off of the couch and ran down into the bathroom. I slammed the door and locked it. I flicked the lights on and started running the faucet. As I was someone who had been deprived of my rights to drink, I started gulping down faucet water until I couldn’t handle it anymore and had to throw up in the toilet. Water made its way up into my throat and out through my nose. I sobbed quietly and heard Dream at the door asking to come in. 

Light knocks were made and I flushed the toilet. I turned the faucet off and stoically opened the door. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes. I felt totally vulnerable and I am surprised that he hadn’t left by now. I would have if someone started acting this way around me. Part of me was happy that he had stayed and the other half was fully embarrassed by the acts that were happening while in his presence. 

“You really need some help, George. I saw what you did to yourself in the bathroom and now this? This isn’t healthy. Please we need to go to the hospital, George. You’re sick and you need help. Sap and I really care about you and we want you to be okay. You can’t keep living like this.” Dream pleads with me. 

I nodded slowly. Pondering on my decision of agreeing with him. I really couldn’t go on like this anymore. I fell to my knees and started bawling. I started shaking and before I could really fight back Dream had picked me up and started to wonder towards the front door. I let out more cries as I was carried out of the front door and only God knows where. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. I really hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> Low Self-Esteem, Hospitalization, Talk of Suicide, Mentions of Eating Disorders and Homicidal tendencies.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

Everything seemed to move so slowly. The outlines of people turned into misty shadows of movement. The luminescent lights flicked methodically as the translucent light illuminated my pale skin. 

My skin was thin as my veins were visible to the eye as they wrapped and reached around my arms, hugging me in an embrace that I couldn’t feel. My fingers twisted within themselves as I nervously looked at the beige wall in front of me. The ticking of the clock on the wall next to me could drive a sane man insane, luckily for me, I wasn’t sane. 

The curtain protecting myself from being seen by any passerbys was slung open sloppley as an intern worked their way over to me. We wordlessly exchanged eye contact as she took my vitals. The squeezing sensation of the armband around my biceps made me shiver and when she took it off she gazed at me before her void eyes shifted back to the curtain, it sloshed back into place after her. 

Temptations and isolation, those were my biggest issues. That’s what the women, Dr. Hightower, had said those caused me to be this way. I portrayed signs of an addict but without a typical substance to abuse. Instead of alcohol or cigarettes, I chose the pain that I created for myself. The emotional turmoil that I created inside myself was there to ground me, but to also keep something for myself to feel. I needed to feel something and if the only thing I was going to feel was pain then that was going to be what I felt for the rest of my life. 

Living in numbness wasn’t something that I wanted to do. 

I don’t know how long I have been in this place. They won’t even tell me if I am in a hospital or rehab facility. I was able to see Dream and Sap yesterday and we spent the hour visiting time talking about what had happened during the week. I didn’t want to worry them anymore then they most likely already were and decided to keep the conversation focused on themselves. 

Being limited to only my mind I have been learning more about myself then I was able to learn before. Everything seemed to open up a bit. It felt as though something in front of my eyes had been lifted. It hasn’t been for the best though. It seems that as if everywhere I look around all I see is pain. Instead of focusing on someone's features here I focus on what has brought them here. The girl I see in the lunch hall always looks defeated as she is forced to drink a calorie filled smoothie, her delicate frame always hunching over the bottle as if she was about to throw up. 

The boy down the hallway was always shaking to some degree. Every once in a while he would collapse onto the ground crying. I could never really make out what brought him here. The boy who I share a room with always stares at me with longing. He shares the same eyes with the intern. His void eyes staring at me with a longing to inflict pain onto me. 

There were no windows around here. I think they were removed for safety hazards but it made things awfully depressing. I haven’t seen daylight in a couple weeks now. The buzzing of the luminescent bulbs were slowly creeping onto my nerves. I blinked and suddenly there was a woman in front of me. Her long, dark hair was hanging in front of her face before she moved it with her small hands. The colour of her nails were wine red. 

“It’s time to sleep, George.” Her voice was calming. 

I nodded and before I knew it I was waking up. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t really tell what was happening. The times I could tell what was happening time seemed to move as slow as it could muster. When I was confused everything seemed to speed up. I couldn’t even tell what was happening in a conversation. Eventually nurses and doctors stopped trying to have small talk with me as I wouldn’t respond. 

Before I even knew what had happened I was in a car. I blinked myself back into existence and in the back of the car with me was Dream. I looked at him and he turned to meet my eyes. 

“Dream?” My voice cracked at the strain it brought to talk. 

“George! Welcome back to reality. You were out of it for a while there.” Dreamed smiled happily, the skin around his eyes crinkling into a happy gaze. 

Sap joined the conversation and we talked about everything that we could think of. Before long we were pulling up to Dream’s house. He smiled happily as we entered the house. 

“All three of us are going to stay here for awhile. We thought it would be fun to have a sleepover!” Dream stated. 

I nodded and we all started to mingle like we used to. 

Before I even could notice what I was doing I was staring at Dream. I was entranced with his features. I kept staring at them and wondering what they felt like. Before I could stop myself my arm reached out across from me and my hands caressed his chin. He stopped talking and looked at me confused. 

I snapped out of it and pulled my arm back. 

“I am so sorry! I don’t know why I did that. It just sort of happened.” I stuttered through my sentence. 

I was so embarrassed that I didn’t wait till he responded. I stood myself up and before I could even make it two steps away from him I was pulled back down to the couch by his arm. I was pulled into the position that was familiar. My head was in his chest the same way it was when I was crying into it days before. This time instead of him carrying me I was laying down on the couch. His arms wrapped around me as I started sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so comforted yet so scared at the same time. I knew I was safe in his arms but at the same time my thoughts began to think about what this was doing to him. I pulled myself back from his chest and looked him in his eyes. I felt a wave of heat fall over my face and my chest started to clench up. I didn’t know what this feeling was. Everything felt like the sky was going to collapse upon me. 

My mouth went dry and my tongue instinctively wiped over my lips, trying to moisten them. My heart tightened as I realized how I felt. 

I loved him. 

I loved him so much. 

I started crying even more. The depset hatred for myself started to rise out of me again. I wanted to collapse right there and then and never get up. Have my muscles weaken and atrophy. Have my breathing stop and my body decay on the floor. I wanted to get out. I didn’t want to do this to him. I didn’t want to love him for his sake. For once in my life I didn’t want to be greedy. 

I had been greedy wanting this friendship in the first place. I was greedy to allow myself to break down like this. It wasn’t fair to him. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like this. 

I felt Sap’s presence behind me as I fell off of the couch. I was laying on the floor when I heard their voices, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I closed my eyes shut and tried to stand up. I made it to my knees when I decided I didn’t want to get up and let myself fall to the floor again. 

Before I could fight what was happening my body was being lifted into the air by Sap and Dream. They carried me to Dream’s room and dropped me in his bed before I could say anything. Before long I passed out. 

When I woke up it was dark outside.The light was still on in the room and I could hear Dream and Sap downstairs playing a game. I worked my way off of the bed and made my way to the stairs. Before I made my first step down the stairs I decided against it and made my way back to Dream’s room. I found myself in the connected bathroom and looked around. I opened the medicine closet and found a various array of pills. Some were in white containers, others in yellow ones. 

Before I could inspect them anymore I heard their voices traveling up the stairs. Quickly I shut the door to the medicine closet and made my way to the toilet. I flushed it and by the time I made my way back into the bedroom both Sap and Dream were in there. Both of them had slightly alarmed looks on their faces. 

“I’m sorry I was just using the bathroom. I didn’t mean to worry you guys.” I could sense the tension in the air deepening as I shifted awkwardly. 

‘It’s alright George,” Sap sat on the bed and motioned for me and Dream to follow him, “come sit down. We should talk.” 

Sitting down on the bed Sap and Dream instantly started talking about how worried they were for me while I was in the hospital and from what had happened downstairs. They wanted me to talk to them more and wanted me to express how I was feeling to them. They wanted to help me. They really wanted to help me. 

I agreed with what they were saying but didn’t really mean it. I didn’t want to cause them anymore stress or concern in their life. I didn’t want to be something that they had to worry about everyday. I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I really didn’t want to do that to them. 

I already had caused them this grief and worry. I didn’t even give anything back to them. I wasn’t really that useful to them at all. I was just something that they pitied and felt bad for. Tears started to pour down my face again. I was such a crybaby. They started to comfort me again and instead of resisting them I let them comfort me. 

I looked up at Dream through my tear ridden eyes. He looked back at me. My feelings started to overwhelm themselves again and I hugged him. 

I gripped onto him with all the might that I could muster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> *Suicide*
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

The past month has been like a blur to me. I could barely make myself get out of my bed the past couple of days. The days after my release from the hospital were the best and worst of my life. I was surrounded by the two people who I loved the most in this world. Even though we have only known each other for a limited time I still treasured them with everything that I had. Every moment from where I laughed was something that was forever ingrained into my mind. 

They were truly something I needed to have. They were something that helped me see that this world just wasn’t always horrible. The grey skies that lingered over me turned blue for a short time period. 

We hung out with each other playing games. We talked about our entire lives. Telling each other the ups and downs. Crying with each other about the burdens that we have faced. Laughing at the stupid high school stories that Dream and Sap told me about each other. They hugged me so much during that time. I’ve never been in someone's warm embrace so much before. Right now I long for their warm embraces. 

I’ve been turning the shower handle all the way up to the hottest degree to try and have that warmest engulf me again. 

I remember the second night home Sap made us waffles and pancakes. We laughed as we sprayed cans of whipped cream on each other and smeared the sweet substance all over each other's faces. After we ran out of whipped cream we ate our food in silence only interrupted by us looking at the others' faces and laughing at them. Afterwards we went upstairs and cleaned our faces off with rags. I had taken Dream’s face into my hands and I started cleaning his face off like a mother would with her child. After I finished I held his face in my hands for a bit and smiled before letting go. 

Another night Sap had left to go to his parents to help them with something. Dream and I were alone with each other outside on Dream’s back porch. He had fairy lights strung up over the covering and they illuminated our faces. We were in a comfortable silence when I confessed to him. The comfortable silence quickly went sour and I found myself on his back porch alone. 

The following day Sap was driving me back to my apartment. He assured me that Dream just needed time to process what happened and that he would come around eventually. I smiled and hopefully agreed that he would. He told me that he was conflicted with himself about what he wants in life and that something like this was something big for him. He just needed time. 

The thing is even through Sap’s reassurance my heart was broken. I felt utterly embarrassed and stupid. I wished that I had just kept my mouth shut. I would rather stay in the dark and hurt like I am used to then hurt someone else like this. I know Dream was hurt that I had confessed to him. I knew that he wouldn’t like me back, I just wanted to get the feeling off of my chest. I wanted to be true to me and him. 

Being alone in my thoughts had me doing some regrettable things. I found myself back in my bathroom. The trash bag that was once covering my mirror had been taken down and I found myself staring at my reflection. I was visibly thinner and I was almost completely transparent. 

Seeing myself in the mirror was when all my hope was crushed. 

I could visibly see everything that was wrong with me. Why would I say that to Dream when I looked like this? I really don’t blame him for rejecting me now. I looked like someone dug me out of my grave and reanimated. I was the heavily depressed Frankenstein’s monster. 

It felt like I was physically rotting. I could have just disintegrated on the spot. My spoiled skin slipping off of my broken bones into a heap of human remains on the ground. Grievances spilling out of me like blood. Regrets turning into the vile that once contaminated my stomach. Hatred turning into the lovely heart. 

My days were turned into blurs of the same pattern. I stared outside my window for the majority of the days and occasionally would get up to eat something to keep me alive for the next 24 hours. The tinted blue sky was engulfed by the black sky that followed. I wanted the blue tint to come back but it never did. 

My phone has been dead for the past week and every once in a while I will hear a knock at my door. I always figured that it was Sap trying to talk to me. I never bothered opening it because I didn’t want to waste his time. I wasn’t something that time should be wasted over. I’m just something that is in pain. 

I had an appointment with a therapist that I missed. 

Everything that I had going for me in my life for once had evaporated as quickly as they came. Nothing truly lasts in my life. It felt like I was given the gift of Dream and Sap as a joke to tear them away from me and to laugh in my face. To watch my hope die off for good. To tear me down to my bones and tell me to live on like that. I just wanted to feel alive. 

My hands and knees were almost rubbed raw from me cleaning my apartment. Everything that I owned had been washed and cleaned and put into boxes. Everything was stacked neatly into a corner and was labeled. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I took the trash out and even lit a candle. I picked up the two envelopes and took the letters out of them to reread them for the 15th time. 

_ Dream.  _

_ You made my heart light up inside. Everything that I did with you were the best thing that I had in life.  _

_ You made me happier than I could have ever imagined I would have been in my life. Every moment with you felt like I could possibly be content with myself. You were the sun in my life. You were the light that made it possible for the plants to grow. You were the warmth that made my body glow. You were the happiness that made me go on for this long.  _

_ Even if you do truly hate me, know that I loved you with every fiber in my body. In my grave I will continue to love you. You are something exceptional. You are someone who has a purpose in life. You are someone who is important. You are so important to me. You don’t understand how happy you made me. You showed me that there is happiness in this world and you made everything so much more bearable. You were something that I will love forever. I love you, Dream.  _

_ I want you to know that you are going to be great. You are the best thing in this world. I know that you are strong and that you will become someone even greater then the person that you are now.  _

_ The day that I met you is the best day that I had in my life. I remember the concern that you had in your eyes when you saw me on the ground. Even though my life was slipping away from me then you still tried to take me in. I am forever grateful for that. That night I fell asleep thinking about how I had finally made friends in my life. In that moment I had proven to my mother that I was worth something. I was worth two friends. I was worthy of Dream and Sap. I was someone and something. I had friends, Mother. Look, I have friends.  _

_ I was so proud of myself. Even though I was so shy around you guys for the first two weeks I was so excited. I wanted to jump up and down at the thought of hanging out with anyone.  _

_ You are a supernova. You have the ability to completely change someone's life. You are able to completely destroy the things around you. You are the bright light.  _

_ You are the last thing that I will think of.  _

_ George.  _

It was short but it felt like something I was able to stand by. I slipped the note back into its place and grabbed Sap’s envelope. I licked the back of it and closed it, repeating the process for Dream’s. 

With the notes in my hand I made my way to my room. I set the notes on the table in front of me and rose myself onto the chair. The rope grazed my head as I stood up fully. I fixed the rope around my neck and breathed in heavily. Tears started to fall down my face. 

I breathed in my last breath and kicked the chair out from under me. 

Goodbye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my fan-fiction. This was really my first attempt at writing something dealing with Suicide. Please let me know how you enjoyed this short fiction. If you do like it I may plan on writing more Dream/George sad fictions. Have a good day and please stay safe. 
> 
> Suicide is something that should never be considered. Please call the suicide hotline and find ways with them to help you feel better and cope. 
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


	7. Bonus Chapter: Discovering George

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: 
> 
> Suicide, Body Decay, Sensory Descriptions of Body Decay
> 
> *EXPLICIT* 
> 
> !!!!!!Before Continuing!!!!!!!
> 
> This chapter contains *detailed* descriptions of a decaying body. If you are easily disturbed please stop reading. You are not alone, if you are having suicidal thoughts or idealization please contact one of the resources below. They will be able to help you. 
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

Dream’s Point of View 

It has been a while since I have last talked to George. The pain he must have felt that night makes me feel so guilty. 

Trying to fall asleep at night has been horrendous and something has been nagging at me. It feels like I have forgotten something but can not lay my finger on what exactly I have forgotten. The faded days merged together and I have come to realize something important. 

I think I freaked out so much because I too have feelings for him. I just didn’t know how to handle it. I was just immature and didn’t know what to do. Guilt starts to seep into me. My body begins to crumble from the realization. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes and I reach for my phone. 

I tried calling George but he didn’t pick up. I don’t blame him. If I was him I wouldn’t pick up either. I called Sap and asked him to meet me at George’s place. I wanted to talk to George but I didn’t want to freak him out by just showing up just by myself. I texted George telling him that we were coming over. 

Sap and I greeted each other at the walkway to George’s front door. Anxiety starts to perform its dance in my stomach. It’s waves crashing in and out of each other. A chill sends a shiver down my spine and I tense up. Something is telling me that something is terribly wrong. Sap walks up to the door to knock at it but the door creak opens from the force. 

Sap looks back at me and we both feel the panic start to enter our body. A rotten smell floats down to us and we both gag. I have never smelt something like this before. It smelt like...rotten flesh? 

The panic in my body greatens deeply and I push past Sap and race into the apartment. I bound down the hallway and stopped in front of George’s room. I knocked three times before pushing the door open. 

Vile entered my throat and my world started to spin. I felt my hands turn cold and I looked down the hallway to see Sap staring at me with intense fear. I shook my head no trying to tell him not to look but before I could see his response I opened the door to the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach into the sink. My body heaving with each blow. My vision was blurring and I couldn’t hold myself up. I slinked to the bottom of the bathroom floor and heard Sap scream before finding his way into the bathroom. 

We made eye contact. His eyes were welting up with tears and he looked at me with so many questions in his eyes. I shook my head again and we both stayed in our places for what felt like an eternity. 

George’s lifeless body was swinging slightly and his already pale skin had turned into shades of gray. His eyes were lifeless. They were the eyes you would see in someone who had just lost the love of their life. Their eyes void of love and life and everything that they had just collapsed around them. I couldn’t stop thinking about his eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking about when they were bright and full of life. I wanted him to start laughing and tell us that we were gullible. I wanted this to just be a sick joke. I wanted everything to stop. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. 

Why was this happening to us? 

He seemed to be getting so much happier. This was my fault. Oh my god this was my fault. I was the one who rejected him and made him feel like this. I abandoned him. This is all my fault. The realization hit me like a truck and I started to gasp for air. I couldn’t feel anything. Everything was numb and I felt like I was going to pass out. Sap looked at me with concern and before I knew it I had stood up and started to grasp onto Sap frantically. He hugged me and we both started to cry. 

“Why?” I whispered into his ear. 

He didn’t respond. Instead he just started rocking back and forth till we finally had the consciousness to call the police. 

His body was covered in a black tarp and I watched as it rolled out into the ambulance parked outside. My mind couldn’t believe what it saw. Everything felt melded together and my thoughts were rolling in my head. Sap was sitting on the couch besides me and we didn’t even notice the stench that covered the apartment. 

A woman in a suit with white disposable gloves walked towards us. In her hands she grasped two envelopes. From afar I could make out George’s handwriting,  _ Sap _ , and on the other one,  _ Dream _ , I felt a pang in my stomach. She walked over to us and offered us her condolences. She handed me both of the envelopes and I handed Sap the one addressed to him. 

I sat down next to him and stared at the envelope intently. I couldn’t bring myself to open it and only grasped it to my chest as tightly as I could. This was the last thing we had of him. The last thing of George that we will ever get. 

This felt like karma. This was something that I deserved. Something that was bound to happen. I don’t know why I did that to him. I don’t know why I was so selfish. I don’t know why I kicked him out. This all happened because of me.The pain was suffocating and I couldn’t tell what was happening anymore. I just felt everything tighten inside of me and racing tidal waves of my moments with George flooded over me. 

_ George reached his hand out and placed it on my chin. I felt my heart skip a beat. He was so entranced on my face I could tell that he didn’t even realize what he was doing. He looked so happy. I had never seen him this way before. It took awhile for him to notice what he had done but when he did his hand shot back and back into his lap.  _

_ “I am so sorry! I don’t know why I did that. It just sort of happened.” He stuttered through his words and I wanted to smile at how he sounded.  _

_ He was so nervous but seemed so content with what just happened. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand and return it to the position that it was in before. Instead of doing that I just smiled and said it was fine.  _

_ “You really need some help, George. I saw what you did to yourself in the bathroom and now this? This isn’t healthy. Please we need to go to the hospital, George. You’re sick and you need help. Sap and I really care about you and we want you to be okay. You can’t keep living like this.” I started to plead with George.  _

_ Seeing what was in his bathroom worried me to no end. From what happened in the bathroom of the restaurant I couldn’t ignore what I was seeing for any longer. I wanted to help him so badly. He didn’t deserve to feel how he was feeling. He deserved to be happy and he needed to be happy.  _

_ He started crying and I placed my arms around him, holding him close to me. He answered my plea with a small nod and I picked him up from where he was on the couch. I would give anything to see George truly happy.  _

_ Sap invited George and I over to his place to hangout. We arrived and I could tell that George was feeling awkward and really didn’t know what to do. Instead of giving him time to ponder around we instantly started doing activities that Sap and I would usually do by ourselves. It was really great having George around. Everything seemed to be 10x funner with him around even though he was a little apprehensive.  _

_ We all started to laugh with each other and I could tell that he was starting to warm up to us a bit. This was great. We played minecraft until our controllers died and then we all passed out on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night and George was sleeping soundly across from me. His chest rising and deflating methodically. I smiled.  _

Everything felt like a punch to the stomach. All of the key moments in our friendship. I looked around and it was getting dark outside. Sap was passed out next to me and his envelope was still unopened as was mine. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to open it. It hurt so much to even look at his handwriting I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to look at his handwriting while reading his suicide letter. 

My heart was twisting and I couldn’t stop crying. 

The coldness that enveloped me was relentless and I couldn’t have the warmth that would cure the coldness, as the warmth was gone and will forever be gone till the last day that I walk this Earth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RomeoMortez, thank you for the suggestion. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)
> 
> I am deeply sorry if you were affected negatively by this chapter before I put the proper trigger warnings in place. I assumed it would be fine without them in place considering the previous chapter but I was wrong to think so. I deeply appreciate the people who called this to my attention. The rating of the work has been changed to Explicit and proper trigger warnings have been put in place. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis Text Line: 741741  
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


End file.
